抱紧他

分两次才看完，因为看到一半悲伤到没有勇气继续。电影中很多很多的小细节给我留下了异常深刻的印象。 Tim与Richard握手后的不自然，最后Tim拆礼物时的躁动与忍耐还有当时John温柔的目光与声音。喜欢John对于Tim探索与其他人性爱的拒绝与直白的表达，看到他在打沙滩排球时冲上去分开Tim与另一个男孩并狠狠给了Tim一拳觉得非常欣慰，同时看到他一个人转身离去，轻声ask for a ride又突然很心疼。抛开同性与艾滋的话题，这就是一部非常写事感人的爱情故事，青春的爱恋，现实与诱惑，以及最后的分离，我希望他们的灵魂最终是相守的。Tim, John was always beside you.

关于艾滋，看完电影心中当然的会为John不值。可是大概这就是现实，那么多的爱恋与不离不弃抵不过一个意外。我试着不去想究竟John是献血意外感染还是因为open relationship时与不同人的性爱传染。大概这就是现实，充满了意外与不公。然而John从来没有为此后悔，埋怨或是为自己的病感到羞愧，他对生活对爱有一种温柔但坚定的勇气。

我们这一代是探索的一代，这本身并没有任何的错，但是不管怎样的探索都应该明确想过后果才做决定，无论是怎样的决定。

left: Tim Conigrave; right: John Caleo
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John Caleo's mother tells of her private grief 20 years on after son's AIDS death:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-29/holding-the-man-john-caleos-mother-tells-of-her-private-grief/6813266

开始时对 John 并没有太大的感觉，直到后段说到他特意去看 Tim 的表演，结束后 Tim 在 John 的车顶逗他的那段，让我觉得 John 很迷人，很优雅。到了最后写到沉重的 AIDS 的部分，John 的豁达更是将这种优雅体现得淋漓。

Tim 是那种一开始就让人爱上的帅，当说到他剪了头发换成短发后，那种 charming 更是让人变得揪心，这一刻的美好，会在影片结尾被摧毁成什么样？

也许这类型的片，或者说现实中的这类少数人，我们看到的，听到的，总是免不了以这样的结尾来收场。惋惜伤心后有时会伴随着罪恶的声讨，但正如其中一篇影评所写，如果没有这样做错过，你又怎么知道你最爱的是什么。你看，即使戴着呼吸机的 John，举手投足之间所流露出来的，仍然是满满的爱。

I didn't make it to the world premiere of Holding the man (2015) last Sunday in Sydney State Theater. But many friends went and spoke highly of. I did a quick check online and found out how influential the book has been ,basically the gay bible for Australian LGBT groups. Published in 1994, this auto-biography of Timothy Conigrave has shocked the whole Australia by its pure and real narration on homosexual love and also the description period in 1980s when HIV stroke Australia. And the play, adapted by Tommy Murphy in 2005, was also a legend in Australian theatre history, totally crash of ticket box wherever it toured. Not only has the play been on in almost every major cities in Australia and adapted by multiple theater companies such as Belvoir and Australia theater company, it also has made to London and LA for world tour. The legend continues for almost ten years and finally in 2014, director decided to adapt this story to big screen. While Tommy Murphy got rehired as screenplay writer and two hot popular Australian actors as lead, this movie has definitely become the most expected movie of the year. Audiences may get a bit worried due to the hyper successful play as a comparison. As a story about intimacy and delicate emotions, it could be much more easily demonstrated on a single stage with touching and smart dialogues. Fancy cinematographic work or extra mise-en scene could serve as minor importance in story-telling itself. But still, there are definitely more space to develop this romance in film.

It is the autobiography at first place that attracted most, with the real story of Timothy and his 15-year partners John holding hand together through bitter-sweet first love, sex, fights, disease and finally death.

I'm such kind of person who just cannot hold back my curiosity on such literary works. After searching online without finding new books to sell or ebook to download, I went down to the uni library and borrowed the only copy of Murphy's play. While unfortunately there was still no Timothy's work, it's worth reading the play first to see how he carried out this life-long story in a two-act play.

It didn't take me long to read, maybe 2 hours or so. But I was sort of blushed inbetween sometimes, imagining the actors talking so bluntly at stage, about the expression of love and sex. Murphy ingeniously separate the two acts with scenes of love and sorrow, making audiences smile or unable to stop laughing for some of humors at first but incredibly sad and may even cry out loud during the second set. Handful of casts but every role is just en-punto.

The very thing that touched me in this play is that the whole storyline and every details of love and conflicts are so real, which could happening any place or just next-door, but people just failed to notice how normal LGBT group is or how fragile true love is, as any types of groups or love. But all we could think about is "weird" "sissy""always fighting for marriage""unhealty life styles" or "HIV positive " and so on.

Three scenes in the play has left me strong impression.

The first one lie in the beginning when Tim wrote John the letter after their first date, talking about the erection he had and masturbation afterwords with the worry about the expression on sex could be so rush for a new couple. The monologue felt so bold yet cute when actually spoken out from a 16-year old schoolboy. While john is the one who actually read the letter with Tim adding up some of his feeling on the side, the audiences could definitely feel the chemistry and the beautiful blump in-between.

The second could be when Tim, in his puberty and freshly new in college, went throughout all these temptation in gay bar and gay peers. He gradually accepted the "non-monogamy or open relationship" theory and decided to separate with John for a while. He alleged that they are both "sexual inexperienced" due to long relationship with purely each other . I believe that most of the audiences and readers will feel the stupidity and ignorance of Tim to trying to sabotage this wonderful relationship and affection(which has been built up throughout the previous scenes). This can be a turning point of the play and indicated the heartbreaking ending, especially when Tim regretted to have infected AIDS to John and cried in front her mom for redemption. But ultimately it shocks me by putting out straightly and ruthlessly how fragile love could be when facing temptations and fresh inspirations.

My finally emotional outcry goes to a simple gesture or move instead a complete scene. Though I have to admit that the whole "finding out HIV positive" scenes is torturing and heartbreaking. The simple gesture that Tim "lifts up John's shirt with his mouth and snaked his head underneath it" when they lay on bed after the news and couldn't go to sleep. With too many briliant dialogues and plots in this play, this move had just crushed all the doubts and sadness about their relationship, leaving the ultimate intimacy and trust and treasure of each other. When that scene is supposed to be haunted with endless sorrow from on and off stage, this move has made us recall the beauty of love and support. Since in the play, the bed was hanging vertical above stage (audiences actually standing while leaning on the bed) , making audience have every move in sight. What's more, the design stage is lovely with the dim and lovely light around the bed on the dark and only some photos of their life together seen from behind. I can barely think of any better innovation in the film to surpass this scene.

Though over three theaters around Australia has their versions and actors for this play, I still adore the first pair in Belvoir Sydney, Guy Edmond and Matt Zeremes just got this absolute chemistry and original innocence on those two characters, though the Brisbane version got much handsome ones.

Anyway, looking forward to this film in August. I couldn't help but respecting Tommy Murphy as such a young successful playwright, hoping he could have more work on big screen as well.

温情，真实，不过分渲染什么，就是慢慢的叙述。 当时一直觉得演员颜值老，但是必须说演技要不错才可以诠释那种不一般的温情感。
有记忆点的几幕是
片头Tim狂奔打电话问John的位置，因为他感觉他记不住正在lose it;
Tim得知自己感染John后对妈妈说:“我感觉我亲手杀了我爱的男人”;
John爸爸走过AIDS病房过道所见的一些细节场景，然后在压力和恐慌下扶墙;
John带着氧气管和Tim make love的那一幕，一种无言的叹息，特别是此时的背景乐的贴切;
John和Tim拆礼物，Tim的小暴躁以及John弥留之际那沉重饱含疼痛的呼吸这两幕直接泪崩。
这几幕比较有记忆点，然后记得最深的是第一个以及最后弥留之际男主的好演技，一种如果连记忆都无法挽留的深切恐慌。
即使很多都是老生常谈的剧本，但这部电影是比较紧凑的。